BT Internet bits and bobs

Miscellany

A collection of odds and sods from btinernet.support and btinternet.winge...

To the.devil@hell.com

From P Boulding Fri Jan 29 13:32:14 1999
Subject: Hell

To: the.devil@hell.com
cc: btinternet.whinge

Re that corner you are preparing for Sir Ian Vallance:

Suggest you install a PC with an out-of-date and buggy browser and a 56k modem that can be linked to the outside world ONLY via BT Internet.

Whenever he tries to complain to BT Internet Support about connection problems, logon problems, unexpected disconnections, blocked e-mails that lock his mailbox, etc., etc., make him wait. If by phone, play him some vile muzak. If by mail or news, make him wait a day or two.

Then tell him you're sorry he feels that way, you'll have it sorted "soon" and you aim to be the No.1 Hell on earth.

Regards
Peter Boulding

PS: Don't forget to charge him (by increasing his time in purgatory) for:

* every failed attempt to connect
* every reconnection
* every failed download
* all the time he spends listening to muzak.

If he complains about these charges, tell him it's nothing to do with you, and that he must write (snail mail) to Mephistopheles. Make sure that Mephistopheles sits on the letter for a few weeks before responding that OFFHELL doesn't permit refunds from his purgatory bill.

From b.l.z.bub@support.btinternet.com Fri Jan 29 15:10:05 1999
Subject: Re: Hell

Peter Boulding wrote:

From P Boulding Fri Jan 29 13:32:14 1999
Subject: Hell

To: the.devil@hell.com
cc: btinternet.whinge

Re that corner you are preparing for Sir Ian Vallance:

Suggest you install a PC with an out-of-date and buggy browser and a 56k modem that can be linked to the outside world ONLY via BT Internet.

Then tell him you're sorry he feels that way, you'll have it sorted "soon" and you aim to be the No.1 Hell on earth.

Regards
Peter Boulding

PS: Don't forget to charge him (by increasing his time in purgatory) for:

* every failed attempt to connect
* every reconnection
* every failed download
* all the time he spends listening to muzak.

Dear Mr Boulding,
Thank you for your kind email. As you can see, I am carving a niche for myself in the Internet community. I am really going make a go of this so that I can reach more people. Before long, your connections will be speeding along like a bat out of hell. Disconnections, logon problems etc. will be firmly in the past (I have just the spot to banish them to as well) All and all, your internet connection will be devilishly good fun.

--
Regards,
B L Z Bub
b.l.z.bub@support.btinternet.com
BT Internet Support

Seriously though Peter, I know that these problems are frustrating, they are frustrating for us as well and we are doing everything we can to get them sorted as quickly as possible. Things have been improving recently, we are going to make sure that they keep on improving. We don't want to be "up there with the best," we want to *be* the best.

Louise, Andy, George and myself have other tasks assigned to us as well so we cannot be here on the newsgroups 24 hrs per day. We do reply to posts in here as quickly as we can.

I believe that the support you receive from BT Internet is certainly no worse than you would get elsewhere, some would say that it is better :-) Our position on refunds remains unchanged, we cannot offer refunds on your phone bill. In these circumstances, we are just like any other ISP. If you feel that you have had a particularly bad experience with BT Internet and deserve compensation, get in touch with our Billing department and they will consider your request on its merits.

Regards,
Iain
BT Internet Support

From P Boulding
Subject: Re: Hell

On Fri, 29 Jan 1999 15:10:05 +0000, "B L Z Bub" <b.l.z.bub@support.btinternet.com> wrote:

Dear Mr Boulding,
Thank you for your kind email. As you can see, I am carving a niche for myself in the Internet community.

I can indeed.

I am really going make a go of this so that I can reach more people.

That's what I was afraid of.

Before long, your connections will be speeding along like a bat out of hell. Disconnections, logon problems etc. will be firmly in the past (I have just the spot to banish them to as well) and all your internet connection will be devilishly good fun.

Yeah... that's what I told you to tell Ian Vallance. Pretty soon HE won't believe you, either.

Regards,
B L Z Bub
b.l.z.bub@support.btinternet.com
BT Internet Support

Seriously though Peter, I know that these problems are frustrating, they are frustrating for us as well and we are doing everything we can to get them sorted as quickly as possible.

Such as? Frankly, I no longer believe that, either.

Things have been improving recently,

No they haven't. Not from where I'm sitting.

we are going to make sure that they keep on improving. We don't want to be "up there with the best," we want to *be* the best.

Don't try to run (let alone fly) before you can crawl. For now, just try to stop being "down there with the worst".

Louise, Andy, George and myself have other tasks assigned to us as well so we cannot be here on the newsgroups 24 hrs per day. We do reply to posts in here as quickly as we can.

I believe that the support you receive from BT Internet is certainly no worse than you would get elsewhere, some would say that it is better :-)

OK. OK, my beef isn't really with Support. AFAICS you do a good job of supporting the newbies who provide 90+% of your work, and you'd have a lot more time to cope with the awkward 10% if the systems you're supporting worked the way they're supposed to...

What got my goat and prompted today's whinge was my inability to download an urgently needed e-mail: attached was an update to the program for which I am currently writing online help. Only 250k...

It wasn't Support's fault that the connection terminated unexpectedly just before the download was complete - it often does on the rare occasions when I am lucky(?) enough to get a 50k connection.

It wasn't Support's fault that someone who calls himself an "engineer" thinks it's OK to lock out my maildrop for up to half an hour when this occurs. (Maybe it WAS Support's fault, though, that the employee who had to pass on the "try again in half an hour" advice didn't know enough to be embarrassed).

Our position on refunds remains unchanged, we cannot offer refunds on your phone bill. In these circumstances, we are just like any other ISP. If you feel that you have had a particularly bad experience with BT Internet and deserve compensation, get in touch with our Billing department and they will consider your request on its merits.

Yeah. Don't tell ME, tell Ian Vallance. And tell him not to contact YOU because you can't or won't pass it on to Billing, even though they're next door to you in Thurso. And tell him not to try to do it by e-mail...

Regards
Peter

PS
The maildrop did in fact become available again while I was on the phone to Support and the much-needed attachment downloaded OK when I reconnected. (Bet you can guess what the connection speed was this time...)

From denty Sat Jan 30 12:18:53 1999
Subject: Re: Hell

Hi,

Peter Boulding wrote ...

To: the.devil@hell.com
cc: btinternet.whinge

Re that corner you are preparing for Sir Ian Vallance:

There is no room for that Vallance chappie.

Hell is currently going through a massive expansion project just to make room for Bill Gates. There will be no room for others until Hell II is created.

The devil is looking very worried at the moment as he is concerned that when Gatesy arrives he will be out of a job.

Denty.

From P Boulding Sat Jan 30 12:37:12 1999
Subject: Re: Hell

On 30 Jan 1999 12:18:53 GMT, denty wrote:

Hi,

Hell is currently going through a massive expansion project just to make room for Bill Gates. There will be no room for others until Hell II is created.

The devil is looking very worried at the moment as he is concerned that when Gatesy arrives he will be out of a job.

I suggest that the devil explain to BG that his special, luxury cavern is still in beta and won't be ready for a million years or so. In the meantime, set him to work debugging the IE4.0 that poor Sir Ian is having to use. That should keep him busy...

If, at the end of that time, the cavern still isn't ready (it won't be), tell him to rewrite the Word numbering engines and master document features so that they actually work. Every five minutes, get a mentally defective animated paper clip to tap him on the shoulder: "I think you're trying to debug some bloatware - do you want some help?"

Regards
Peter Boulding

Short staffed

From mogga
Wed Jun 21 23:20:58 2000
Subject: Re: lineone/quip query please help

I remember going to the job centre many many moons ago.

They stopped you taking 3 job numbers to the desk, it could just be 2......

I asked why.

"we're short staffed"

Oh, I said. Thats a coincidence, I'm looking for a job.

"Oh we've got no vacancies"

Unusual honesty from BTi Support

Re Turds

Absolute turd service over the last 2 days

When BTi suck, they really fncking suck.

Hello Ratz Please accept our apologies for the service you are receiving, we did have quite a huge amount of ongoing problems which we are working to resolve.

Regards,
Michael
BT Internet Support

Do you know what gets up my nose

From wrinkly ron
Wed Feb 04 19:00:48 1998
Subject: Do you know what gets up my nose

Well it's postings with vcf files attached. I have my newsreader configured to automatically save attachments and every week I have to go and remove the bloody things.

Ron

From mo
Wed Feb 04 19:14:37 1998
Subject: Re: Do you know what gets up my nose

What's a vcf file?

From howard jones
Wed Feb 04 19:21:26 1998
Subject: Re: Do you know what gets up my nose

Mo wrote ...

What's a vcf file?

One of these! ;)

---
Howard Jones aka "CiderGuru"

--- begin 666 Howard Jones.vcf M0D5'24XZ5D-!4D0-"E9%4E-)3TXZ,BXQ#0I..DIO;F5S.TAO=V%R9 T*1DXZ M2&]W87)D($IO;F5S#0I!1%([2$]-13H[.SM(;VQM8G)I9&=E.TAU9&1E<G-F M:65L9#L[56YI=&5D($MI;F=D;VT-"DQ!0D5,.TA/344[14Y#3T1)3D<]455/ M5$5$+5!224Y404),13I(;VQM8G)I9&=E+"!(=61D97)S9FEE;&0],$0],$%5 M;FET960@2VEN9V1O;0T*55),.FAT=' Z+R]W=W<N8G1I;G1E<FYE="YC;VTO M?G-A9'!A9V4-"D5-04E,.U!2148[24Y415).150Z:&]W87)D+FAA;&QC<F]F M=$!B=&EN=&5R;F5T+F-O;0T*4D56.C$Y.3@P,C T5#$Y-#(Q-5H-"D5.1#I6 &0T%21 T* ` end

From mo
Wed Feb 04 19:33:59 1998
Subject: Re: Do you know what gets up my nose

Nothing there?! I mean nothing in it?

Howard Jones wrote...
Mo wrote ...
What's a vcf file?
One of these! ;)

From howard jones
Wed Feb 04 19:42:16 1998
Subject: Re: Do you know what gets up my nose

What do you use to read Mail/News?

Mo wrote...
Nothing there?! I mean nothing in it?

---
Howard Jones aka "CiderGuru"

From christine
Wed Feb 04 19:45:02 1998
Subject: Re: Do you know what gets up my nose

A hanky......

From howard jones
Wed Feb 04 19:46:55 1998
Subject: Re: Do you know what gets up my nose

christine wrote
A hanky......

Now theres a coincidence. I use Microsoft Hanky V6.4 What about you?

--- Howard Jones aka "CiderGuru"

From Des Hooper
Wed Feb 04 19:52:59 1998
Subject: Re: Do you know what gets up my nose

ahh that's where you go wrong!
you havn't got the upgrade!
you wanna use V6.4.3!

Now theres a coincidence. I use Microsoft Hanky V6.4 What about you?

From howard jones
Wed Feb 04 19:53:21 1998
Subject: Re: Do you know what gets up my nose

Des Hooper wrote...
ahh that's wheer you go wrong!
you havn't got the upgrade!
you wanna use V6.4.3!

6.4.3 wasn't an official upgrade. It was released by software pirates and contained the lethal "Tear in the Middle" Virus.

Microsoft are due to release 6.5 in Autumn. It will be called "MS Hanky 98" It has new features for users of Pentium II processors, such as better soakability, and frilly edges.

--- Howard Jones aka "CiderGuru"

From P Boulding
Wed Feb 04 21:08:19 1998
Subject: Re: Do you know what gets up my nose

On Wed, 4 Feb 1998 19:53:21 -0000, "Howard Jones" wrote:
6.4.3 wasn't an official upgrade. It was released by software pirates and contained the lethal "Tear in the Middle" Virus.
Microsoft are due to release 6.5 in Autumn. It will be called "MS Hanky 98" It has new features for users of Pentium II processors, such as better soakability, and frilly edges.

Before you download your free copy of MSHanky 98, be warned: the download takes 6.5 hours at 28,800 bps.

Note also that although it occupies 160MB, it can only be run once between washes, and becomes corrupt if you wash it in anything other than MSWash.

MSWash, currently scheduled for release in 4Q 98, will take 10 hours to download, require a 300MHz PII and be priced at �299.00. You will get a free copy of MSConditioner, though.

Regards

Peter Boulding

From howard jones
Wed Feb 04 21:16:33 1998
Subject: Re: Do you know what gets up my nose

But, due to advances in modern software writing, MS Hanky98 includes a *Free* Utility (only 2k in size) to allow you to view .vcf files. Well worth the 160MB download in my opinion.

BTW, MS Wash will not work on Compaq PC's, a special stripped-down version (without the Pre-Rinse option) will made available to Compaq users.

--- Howard Jones aka "CiderGuru"

Respect

From proteus1
Thu Mar 23 16:21:05 2000
Subject: Let's have some praise for BT Internet, PLEASE!

There's been a lot of criticism of BT Internet recently. Instead of slagging them off for their occasional lapse, we should focus on their positive achievements.

A few weeks ago BTi's clocks were running 2 minutes fast. When this was pointed out to them, they listened to the criticism, and got it sorted. No messing. And as for cutting the service off bang on midnight, well this happens with Prussian regularity.

It's attention to detail like this that sets BTi apart. Alright, once on a while they forget and it goes past midnight, but nobody's perfect. Some have whinged that BTi are cynically coining it in with their 50p a minute help-line. What utter nonsense. The money is solely to provide the level of technical excellence in Support that other ISPs drool over. In fact, if it hadn't been for BTi's support staff, the countless millions who cannot connect properly would not have realised it was due to their faulty modems, incorrect DUN configurations, poor phone lines etc etc. If we have to pay to find out information like this then I say it is money well spent.

Some people seem to think an ISP's sole function is to provide its customers with reliable Internet access. They are very naive. You don't play the lottery each week and expect to be able to complain if you don't win. And talking of lotteries, how many other ISPs do you know who use their subscriptions wisely and offer their members a �1 million prize competition? New infrastructure is all very well, but it's nice to see, for once, an ISP that wants to bring some of the quality and joy of Saturday night television to the Internet community. Remember, there's more to life than sending and receiving emails, visiting newsgroups, surfing the web, IRC, on-line gaming etc. If now and again nothing works, get that book out you've been meaning to read. And thank BTi for giving you the opportunity.

In the early days of Internet access, we had to make do with 48K Sinclair Spectrums, and modems fashioned from tin cans, baling twine and sticky-back plastic. It wasn't easy, but we managed. We didn't complain all the time. Being ecologically minded, and to their credit, BTi recycled a lot of this early equipment, and rather successfully IMHO.

So stop carping and criticising. Don't curse the dark - light a candle. And stop dissin' BT Internet. Respect.
--
John T.

Mastermind

From simon
Wed Jun 21 21:24:28 2000
Subject: Re: Newsgroup Replies

"BT Internet Support" <support@btinternet.com> wrote...

Dear All,
As you may have noticed, the Support team are running behind with their replies to your queries. We currently have a large backlog of posts
<snip>

Magnus - Your name please

Iain - Iain

Magnus - Your specialist Subject

Iain - Stating the bleeding obvious

Magnus - You have 60 seconds, starting now - when will the throughput problems be fixed ?

Iain - Soon

Magnus - correct. When will the Email Problems be solved ?

Iain - The problems we were experiencing with email have now all been fixed

Magnus - correct. When will the CURRENT email problems be fixed ?

Iain - Soon

Magnus - Correct. When will the throughput problems be fixed ?

Iain - Soon

Magnus - Correct. When will support reply to the posts in this newsgroup ?

Iain - When all the problems have gone away

Magnus - I'm sorry - that's not the answer on the card, can you elaborate ?

Iain - Soon ?

Magnus - Correct. When will <beep beep> - I've started so I'll finish

Angry BTI customer - that's more than BTI have ever done................

Packet loss! Aaaargh!!

From peter ives
Tue Jun 27 18:13:46 2000
Subject: Packet loss! Aaaargh!!

Has anyone seen my cigs?

Gareth's revenge

From Gareth
Tue Jun 27 22:12:33 2000
Subject: Problems

Dear BTI

I'm currently experiencing a problem with my bank account and therefore will be unable to pay you this month. Please continue to provide me with the service and bear with me whilst I try to resolve this problem.

Meanwhile I apologise for any inconvenience.

BTi menu

From strange6
Tue Jul 04 19:53:37 2000
Subject: BTi Menu Tonight

Sticky treacle pud. As much as you can eat 9.99 a month

Oxymoron

From John Owens
Thu Jul 06 00:07:30 2000
Subject: oxymoron

I have been sent a mailer headed BT confidential: world-class intelligence

lol

Duplicates

From "Father Ted"
Tue Jun 20 01:23:23 2000
Subject: 15 remote messages from BT abuse

I got 15 messages acknowledging the receipt of a port scan ?

From kmarcks
Tue Jun 20 18:58:02 2000
Subject: Re: 15 remote messages from BT abuse

"Father Ted" wrote...
I got 15 messages acknowledging the receipt of a port scan ?

I got ten acknowledging my complaint of duplicate emails. :-)

Terms and conditions

From derek potter
Wed Jul 28 00:49:40 1999
Subject: Re: Three Cheers!

Michael Devlin wrote...

Haven't you even bothered to read the newsgroup charter Derek?
It says "Absolutely no joking, sarcasm, wit or general enjoyment is to be had in any of these groups."

Yes I know it does. I thought it was just a statement of fact, not a rule to be obeyed.

Haiku

From jo
Fri Aug 20 23:58:40 1999
Subject: Haiku

The old server wheel.
A hamster jumps on.
Creak.

(Apologies to Basho)

M'lud

From derek.potter
Thu May 13 16:50:48 1999
Subject: Re: Breach of BTInternet's newsgroup charters

Chris Buckley wrote...

If there was *ANY* truth in what NT has stated then everyone on usenet would have been sued by now.

It may make a difference that the BTi groups are local and therefore not really Usenet. But I can just see *that* being argued in court:

Judge: One moment, Mr Truman, is this argument something to do with this Internet thing I keep hearing about?

Truman: Yes M'lud.

Judge: Don't understand it myself. Grandchildren do. So tell me, Mr Truman, are you basically selling pornography by computer?

Truman: No, no, no, M'lud!

Judge: Very serious business, pornography. What exactly is your business Mr Truman?

Truman: I'm BTi's IMS Helpdesk Support Manager.

Judge: Again, please? In English this time.

Truman: I manage the helpdesk for BTi.

Judge: You manage a desk?

Truman: I manage the people who give help to other people who can't get connected to the internet properly.

Judge: You run the complaints department?

Truman: We call it the help desk.

Judge: I see, perhaps we should move on. What is your charge against Mr Buckley?

Truman: He invaded a support group and offended people with his swearing.

Judge: The occasional "M'lud" would stop me being offended too, Mr Truman.

Truman: M'lud.

Judge: What kind of support group is this? Some sort of self-help for internet addicts?

Truman: Oh no! We try to get people onto it.

Judge: Pardon?

Truman: M'lud

Judge: You try to get people addicted to the internet? Why would that be, Mr Truman?

Truman: No, er, M'lud, we try to get them connected to the internet.

Judge: I thought you just picked up an AOL disk.

Truman: Yes, that's one way.

Judge: And you help them do whatever they have to do with the AOL disk?

Truman: No, we're BTi, not AOL. We do have a disk but it's different.

Judge: "M'lud". I see. So where does Mr Buckley come into this. Has he got one of your disks?

Truman: No, M'lud.

Judge: Is this correct, Mr Buckley?

Buckley: Yes, yer daft old c***, I don't give a s*** about BTi, I don't use their poxy stuff at all.

Judge: Ah, kids! You sound just like my granddaughter. Remember to call me "M'lud", though.

Buckley: Ok, M'f******lud!!!.

Judge: That's better. Now be quiet for a moment, Christopher. Mr Truman, if Buckley doesn't use your, er, disk, what have you got to do with him in this self-help group of yours?

Truman: It's NOT a self-help group. It's a discussion group where people discuss why our, er, disk doesn't work.

Judge: Rivetting stuff, full of human interest I should imagine. Your disk doesn't work and Buckley doesn't use it. Why do people go to the meetings?

Truman: They're not meetings, it's just messages on computers. .... um M'lud.

Judge: And you preside over this medium?

Truman: Not really. I manage it.

Judge: Mr Truman...

Truman: M'lud !!

Judge: Am I to understand that Mr Buckley places messages on peoples computers that they find offensive?

Truman: Yes, M'lud, that is exactly it!

Judge: Why would people want to see such messages?

Truman: They can't help it...

Judge: Problems with your disk?

Truman: Not really, M'lud. Buckley has no right to send them.

Judge: I suggest you leave matters of the law to me. I ask you again: why do people have to see Buckley's messages?

Truman: He uses another company's er... disk ... to send them and then our customers have to see them, M'lud.

Judge: Because of the defects in your disk?

Truman: NO!!! M'lud. Because of the defects in our computers.

Judge: Which you manage?

Truman: No, someone else does that.

Judge: Very well. In summary, you object to Buckley's schoolboy language which your disk allows him to send to customers who can't get it working because your computer's are faulty. And you would like me to send him to prison for this?

Truman: Yes please, M'lud.

Judge: Can your disk get pornography?

Truman: Yes, M'lud.

Judge: Give me one of these disks.

Truman: That'll be ten quid plus VAT, but for you M'lud, I'll waive the VAT.

Judge: Thank you. Case dismissed. Costs against the plaintiff. Now, how do I use this pornography disk of yours?

Tony and Chez

From Dominic.Hyde
Sat Nov 20 22:58:15 1999
Subject: Re: another hack

Wandering Rogue wrote...
Trojans are Durex/condoms (in the U.S.). They apparently are supplied (note the avoidance of they come) in different sizes as well. Not like our M&S version "one size fits all."

But can you see any bloke shuffling off to Boots and asking for extra small? Nah, they'd all be in there saying (good and loud in case anyone in the Outer Hebridies didn't quite catch it) "I'll have a gross of your extra LARGE..." and then there would be truckloads of unplanned pregancies cos they don't fit right.

Hey, maybe that's what happened to Tony & Chez. He was meant to buy 'weedy' but they ended up with 'built like a donkey'....ho hum, tough luck.

Standard answers

From dave lucas
Sun Mar 26 20:42:02 2000
Subject: Standard Answers

In order to streamline support at BTI, we have decided to use a numbering system, MN1 / MN2 etc. So in future all replies will only contain one of the above type numbers. Listed below are our main answers.

Message Number 1 (MN1)
Any complaint regarding your account please either call the billing helpdesk on 0870 2414567 or email "internet.billing@btinternet.com".
--
Regards,
************************************************

Message Number 2 (MN2)
Can you tell what sites you were unable to access and also what IP address you were assigned and the number dialed.
--
Regards,
************************************************

Message Number 3 (MN3)
If you get these types of errors then please note the IP address assigned and post this along with the number you dialed into. This will help us to identify where the problems lie and allow them to be resolved quicker.
--
Regards,
************************************************
Message Number 4 (MN4)
Can you give me some examples of the newsgroups with missings posts so that I can investigate.
--
Regards,
************************************************

Message Number 5 (MN5)
Thanks for posting to support. The minimum subscription to BT Internet's service is one month.
--
Regards
************************************************

Message Number 6 (MN6)
Thanks for posting to support. Many thanks for the positive feedback which we appreciate.
--
Regards
************************************************

Message Number 7 (MN7)
Thanks for posting to support. There are a few ways in which you could increase this connection speed. One would be to find out the exact make and modem of your modem then see if the manufacturer has a download site then download the latest firmware and drivers for it. If you visit the following web site you will find lists of modem init strings and an A-Z of modem manufacturers web sites to download the latest modem drivers and firmware.
http://www.modemhelp.org
I hope this helps.
--
Regards
************************************************

Message Number 8 (MN8)
Thanks for your comments regarding the service.
--
Regards,
************************************************

Message Number 9 (MN9)
When a problem is reported the first thing we do is update the status line. If you could let us know the error message you receive we can advise accordingly.
--
Regards,
************************************************

Message Number 10 (MN10)
BTI are very sorry, but we are not answering any more of your moans, sorry, questions.
--
Regards,
************************************************

Message Number 11 (MN11)
We are currently investigating a problem with the dial access service and you may be experiencing difficulties connecting to the service. Please bear with us as we endeavour to resolve this problem as quickly as possible. Meanwhile, we apologise for any inconvenience.
--
Regards
************************************************

Message Number 12 (MN12)
The status line is updated every day and when a fault is raised to the server teams.
--
Regards
************************************************

Booty.

From Support@btinternet.com
Sun Mar 26 21:21:01 2000
Subject: Re: Standard Answers

Hi Booty

MN8

--
Regards,
Liam
BT Internet Support

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